1st Term Report At The Noble Beatified Academy

8 01 2008

Sr. Mary Catherine Abbot, of the good, stern Sisters of DavidGood evening parents.
My name is Sr. Mary Catherine Abbot, of the good, stern Sisters of David. I am the vice principal at NBA.
We here at the Noble Beatified Academy (or as we like to call it, the ‘NBA’) are glad to present to you your third grade class. They’ve been somewhat a challenge thus far, but I’m sure the good, stern Sisters of David will be able to whip them into shape.
I’m proud to present to you, your third grade class report!

Lawrence AngelOldest of the Angel twins, Larry has been performing quite above expectations. We did regard Larry as somewhat selfish, but he is doing very well at this point in time, and looks to get a good result come next summer’s exams. B+
Clifford AngelSuch a pity, young Clifford. Clifford suffers from constant comparisons to his older twin Larry… something he’s never been able to live up to. Despite some promising signs early on, Clifford remains at the lower end of the class. E
Davey AtlantaOne of our youngest students, Davey has been quite impressive thus far. We had him earmarked as being one of our lesser students, but he’s holding his own, and if he continues in this vein could be a good student in a few years time. We the good, stern Sisters of David are quite impressed! C+
Santos AntonioSantos is perhaps one of the best students we have at the Noble Beatified Academy. There is very little fuss about Mr Antonio, he just goes about business and achieves at the highest possible level, being our very top student last year in second grade. Has a reputation of being a bit of a bully in the playground, but until the rules change here at the Academy (and we the good, stern Sisters of David do not envisage that happening any time soon!), Santos could well be our top student for many years to come. A+
Philadelphia BrownPoor Philadelphia has suffered quite the identity crisis since her brother Allen transferred. Ever since, Philadelphia hasn’t really known what kind of student she is, and as such, her grades have suffered considerably. D-
Dallas Bryan
Dallas has really settled down this year after a disappointing year last year. All during last year, we expected young Dallas to be our top student, but when exam time came, Dallas was found oh-so-wanting! Hopefully, come this summer Dallas will be ready. A-
Noble Beatified AcademyDavis BullDavis has really struggled with the messy divorce his parents just had (tho’ given Davis’ nature we the good, stern Sisters of David wonder if he wasn’t at least partially to blame!). There are times when Davis performs very well, but as often as not he’s been very, very lackadaisical. E
John DenverMuch like the singer who shares John’s name, we the good, stern Sisters of David have found him to be quite the quiet achiever. Definitely a student who runs under our radar, he is doing quite well, but without the song & dance we associate with many of our more illustrious students. And we do enjoy John Denver (the musician) too! B+

Claire DetroitYoung Claire is one of the best students we have in the third grade. Whilst not as pretty as some of the other girls in the class, Claire is a hard worker, and understands the notion of being ‘ready’. Claire could well be our top student come the Summer’s exams. A+
Indiana DoonesIndy has really struggled this term. She seems to believe that she’s a lot better than she is… but unfortunately middling ability can only get you so far. D
Chapman HoustonAnother gentleman we had high hopes for, but thus far has failed to live up to them. Chapman always promises so much, and delivers so very little. D
Cleveland Jamesyoung mister James has taken a far too cavalier approach to his schooling thus far, and finds himself at a very middling grade. The only reason he stands as high in his work group as he does is because he surrounds himself in poor company, excepting the delightful Miss Detroit. D
Orlando Jones?Orlando JonesWell goodness me! Mr Jones has certainly surprised us all with an absolutely magic performance this term! He’s been a consistent achiever, and has been one of the top students in the third grade. We all thought he was still a few years away from this status, but we’re glad to see him realise it all that more quickly. A
Samantha KingA great disappointment to us all, but it comes as no surprise to any of us that Sammi finds herself in such dire straits. Miss King could use a complete change of scenery. E
Memphis La RoeMemphis really is a puzzling child. On occasions, he has given hints at sheer brilliance in his work… but for the vast majority of the time he’s lazy, unachieving, and seems to have a complete lack of desire. Ever since transferring from Canada has failed miserably to submit assignments on time. One of our greatest disappointments here at the good, stern Sisters of David Noble Beatified Academy. F-
Buck MillerBuck has promise, but his failure to apply himself consistently really hurts his grade. If Buck could apply himself on a regular basis, he could at least be a student of ‘average’ performance. However, Buck is what he is. At the bottom of the pack. F
Seattle MonroeThe pretty Miss Seattle Monroe is one of our youngest students. And we have high hopes for her. However, due to her immaturity, and an unsettled home-life, Seattle has struggled to reach her potential. We here at the Noble Beatified Academy hope that in future years she’ll be able to realise what she is. Unfortunately thus far this term, she’s at the lower end of the scale. Charming girl tho’… E-
Orleans NevilleA recent transfer back from Kansas City, the ‘new’ Orleans has impressed us greatly. The ‘old’ Orleans was lethargic, and rarely produced any work of any nature at all… but the ‘new’ Orleans has talent, and a work ethic that’s the envy of many other students. A-
Roy PortlandRoy has been one of the pleasant surprises this year at the Academy. His affable nature, and his willingness to work has seen him perform well beyond expectations… despite difficulties early on. Whilst we don’t expect him to be one of the top performers this year, in latter years he could become a force to be reckoned with. One of our favourite children here at the ‘NBA’. B+
Minnie SotaMinnie is a troubled girl who seems to go through crisis after crisis, most recently losing her brother Kevin. Minnie’s parents seem to be at a loss as to how to cope, and there seems to be no end to the heartbreak Minnie Sota goes through. Whilst our hearts yearn for better times for Minnie, she really needs to do more. F
Fi Ni Xsu SunA fantastic child, quick and smart. Young Sun has all the right attributes to be one of the top students in this class for many a year to come. We the good, stern Sisters of David were accused of ‘fixing’ results last year to benefit Santos Antonio over Fi Ni Xsu Sun… a charge we vehemently deny. Rules are rules, and Sun needs to learn to play by them too. Still, a good student, one of the Academy’s best. A+
Tosca RontoTo’s a fine student – especially when one considers that To’ home-schools from Canada… but despite a lot of promise To’ is only managing around 50%. A pity, if she realises her potential, she could be one of the better students in the class. B-
G. S. WarriorLittle Gary Sean has done as well as he could with limited talent. I’m afraid he’ll always be a middle-of-the-road student. I won’t be expecting too much of him come exam time next summer. C-
Miami WadeWe thought she was a delightful little girl who absolutely charms with her smile, how wrong we were. We had such high expectations of her at the beginning of the term, but unfortunately she has not come anywhere near realising them. Quite the opposite in fact – pretty much any of our students looks brilliant when compared to little Miss Wade… Miami has tried to get by on achievements of years gone by, despite the fact that it’s time she moves on. Could do with cutting a bit of excess weight, and looking to the future. F
Charlotte WebbCharlotte has improved this year, and does have talent – but oh-so-often elects not to use it. Her parents have claimed financial difficulties have in turn affected Charlotte’s ability to perform to expectations, a claim we’re considering. Still, Charlotte’s one of the younger students here at the Academy, and we hope that one day she’ll do better. It just won’t be this year. E-
Washington WhitmanWhen looking at the overall class standings Washington at first glance appears rather impressive. But a closer look reveals that whilst Washington is doing quite well ranking-wise, he’s still only marginally better than a 50% student. Lacks leadership at the moment, and until he can find it, won’t trouble our better students here at the Noble Beatified Academy. C
Boston WinthropBoston has been a delight to teach this term. And thus far, he’s been the best 3rd grade student at the Noble Beatified Academy. Despite some of the other students declaring Boston arrogant, overbearing & having a ‘sense of entitlement’, we here at the NBA love him. We the good, stern Sisters of David revel in Boston’s performance this term, and only hope that it’s something that he can continue to do throughout the year into the exams come Summertime. A+
Jersey WitherspoonAnother ‘new’, Jersey hasn’t really achieved much at all this season. For quite a few years now, Jersey has been a middle-of-the-road student, and to make matters worse, her parents seem to be content to allow her to be so. We the good, stern Sisters of David wish that she’d stop kidding around, and make the moves necessary to be able to step up in the long term… as difficult as they might be. D
Utah YoungMy, Utah was a nice surprise last year. But unfortunately Mr Young seems to have regressed somewhat this term. We at the Academy still hope that he’ll improve markedly throughout the 2nd term, and there’s still ample time before Summer’s exams. But at the moment, Utah is struggling to rise above the pack. C
Newley YorkWithout a doubt, our most disappointing student at the Noble Beatified Academy. Young Newley lacks any sort of discipline, and to make matters worse it would seem that his parents are just the same. The apple never falls far from the tree, and it would seem the Newley York apple is doubly so. We the good, stern Sisters of David may one day have to take matters into our own hands here, as Newley is a consistently poor performer. Spare the rod & spoil the child was an addage we used to live by at the Academy… Would that we could take the rod to not only Newley’s backside, but those of his parents too. F-

We hope you have found the report from the good, stern Sisters of David to be enlightening, and please stay focused on the occurrences at the Noble Beatified Academy (NBA). Where amazing happens.

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2 responses

8 01 2008

Wonderful to see that Boston Winthrop (sly Trading Places reference there, Sister?) is living up to his potential and perhaps coming out of the shadow of his illustrious 1986 alum brother, Larry Legend Boston Winthrop III….

8 01 2008

Very nice. I personally liked Fi Ni Xsu Sun.

Also, I confess that I have actually seen the late, great John Denver in concert. In fact, my friends and I drove three hours for it.

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